- Understanding of healthy relationships: Healthy relationships require effort, understanding, and synergy between two independent individuals, like a choreographed ballet with two dancers. They cannot just happen spontaneously and require certain development and training.
- Misconceptions about relationships: Many people take relationships for granted and believe they just happen naturally. According to Leo, this misconception leads to unsustainable relationships and high rates of divorce.
- Types of relationships: Relationships are divided into three types - codependent, independent, and interdependent. Codependent relationships, which are the most common and unhealthy ones, happen when two parties feel incomplete and need the other to fulfill them. Independent relationships see individuals "doing their own thing", and lack cooperation. Interdependent relationships are the ideal type, where two independent individuals collaborate and create something greater together.
- Avoiding codependent relationships: Codependent relationships often fail because they are based on the need for the other person to fulfill you, which is impossible. Leo advises against seeking fulfillment in others, likening it to putting a band-aid over a deep wound that will eventually cause pain and destroy the relationship.
- Interdependent relationships: Interdependent relationships involve two independent but collaborative individuals. They are the target for long-term relationships like marriage. Becoming interdependent requires individuals to work on themselves, akin to ballet dancers practicing and perfecting their choreography.
- Importance of studying relationships: Leo emphasizes the need to understand the psychology of relationships, attraction, love, sex, masculinity, and femininity. Without this understanding, trying to build a healthy relationship is like trying to fly to the moon without studying physics or aerospace engineering.
- Unhealthy nature of codependent relationships: In a codependent relationship, both parties rely on each other to feel complete, creating emotional tension and leading to failure since no one person can entirely fulfill another. This type of relationship is comparable to using someone else as a psychological crutch, which only results in further emotional wounds.
- Importance of independence in a relationship: For a relationship to be truly successful, both individuals need to be able to function independently and be happy by themselves. When two such 'dancers' come together, they can create a beautiful choreography. However, this requires training, practice, learning from failures, and conscious choices between the partners.
- Abundance in relationships: Coming from a place of abundance, sexually and socially, is essential for a healthy relationship. If you are dependent on one person for love and happiness due to a lack of options, you become clingy and needy, which can repel the person away. Instead, make yourself attractive, build a social circle and meet new people to ensure you have other options.
- Happiness as an individual: Being happy by yourself is crucial for maintaining a healthy relationship. Create a fulfilling life and work on your own psychology and issues to avoid attracting a partner with a similar level of neuroses and fears.
- Not spending too much time together: Spending too much time together can indicate codependency and lead to boredom and resentment. It is important to have a life purpose and individual interests outside of the relationship.
- Continuous self-improvement: Constantly work on improving yourself, dealing with your issues and emotional triggers. By doing so, you will attract a partner who is on the same level as you, leading to a healthier relationship.
- Transparency and honesty in relationships: Ignoring or lying about any past mistakes, problems, or vulnerabilities may temporarily preserve a relationship but will inevitably lead to distrust and resentment. It is essential to be truthful from the start to build a strong foundation for the relationship.
- Importance of Life Purpose: Life purpose should be the primary focus of one's life instead of the relationship. Even for women, whose purpose is often more relationally or family-centric, having personal goals, hobbies, friends is important. Devoting all time and energy to a partner can lead to an unhealthy attachment and potential problems.
- Balance in Time Spent Together: It's injurious to spend too much time together as it can lead to irritation, loss of excitement, and potential disputes. Taking time apart and having separate activities is deemed healthy for sustaining the 'spark' in a relationship. It's okay not to see each other every day and to have separate vacations.
- Honesty and Truthfulness in a Relationship: Honesty forms the bedrock of any relationship. Hiding past deeds, mistakes or trying to appear better than what one is can lead to mistrust and resentment in the relationship. It's advisable to share the skeleton in your closet at the beginning of the relationship. This creates a solid foundation based on truthfulness.
- Negatives of Lying: Lying might preserve the relationship in the short run, but in the long run, it's bound to create much tension, distrust, and irreparable damage. Eventually, all hidden facts are likely to come to the fore.
- The Value of Truthfulness: It's a sign of strength to be truthful even when it threatens the relationship. It's important to recognize that lying in a relationship indicates an absence of long-term potential. A commitment to honesty could be challenging but necessary for a successful relationship.
- Gifting, not Receiving: Interdependent relationships should be based on deriving pleasure from giving rather than expecting to receive. This giving is not just limited to material things but extends to giving of oneself, happiness, experiences, and knowledge. Receiving is a natural byproduct of giving.
- Importance of Self Development: Self development helps people build healthier and interdependent relationships rather than co-dependent and dysfunctional ones. Actualized.org offers free self development videos, an exclusive 19-part series for subscribers, and a chance to win two hours of free coaching every month.